and kisses are a far better fate (than wisdom)
by notagoodplace4gods
Summary: "A little kiss to make it better.' Poe says, back to his feet. "It's just something people do in my planet, it's not a big deal." "It's not a big deal." Finn nods, and repeats it, loud enough for his racing heart to understand.
Finn knows the Resistance is different from the First Order, he can tell by the way General Organa's word is respected, but not imposed, and the way she always waits to hear from everyone around her between settling in a plan, - she even asked for _his_ opinion twice. - He can tell by the way she doesn't ask for people to die for her and yet everyone on base seems ready to do so. He can tell it's different by how competent and professional the pilots are on the air, and yet, once they hit the ground they fall together and there's laughs, warmth, hugs and so much touching. Sometimes the hugs last long, and the touches linger. Attachment's not treated like a weakness, but a necessity. He can tell by the way Poe, who's a commander, throws his arms around his shoulders, holds him dear and talks to him like Finn actually deserves it; all this love and attention.

So Finn knows the Resistance is different, he feels it. He feels it everyday in little moments here and there, he feels it when Jessika invites him over to the pilot's table, he feels it when he sees the doctors in the medbay actually caring for their patients, he feels it when Snaps gets drunk and makes stupid puns about everyone's names, and doesn't forget Finn's, he feels it when he sees Leia's face as she records messages to parents who have lost their sons to war. Finn knows. He does, but the thing is... He just... He just can't risk it.

He touches the side of his body and curses when his hand comes back bloody. Just a few more steps, he tells himself, a few more steps until he arrives on his and Poe's quarters and he'll get his hands on a medkit. Poe's debriefing with the General so there's no chance of him showing up and trying to drag Finn to the medbay. Finn knows it's bad, but he can't go to the medbay. He knows it's bad and that's exactly the reason he can't go there; troopers aren't worth the trouble, they're disposed, terminated, and... No. No. Finn feels bile rising in his throat and this time it's not due to his injury, it's because he's been away for months and he's still thinking like a stormtrooper, he's thinking about himself like an object, like a broken worthless object who can be thrown away if it's no use to anyone, anymore. He corrects his train of thought. When a trooper has a bad injury, he's killed off in cold blood, he's murdered, and there's a 99% chance the resistance won't kill him, not after spending so many resources to keep him alive when he was in a coma, - but he can't risk it. He can't risk it because he kind of likes it here.

He likes the base, he likes the food, and the people. The Resistance is highly unfounded, and it's always crowded, but he likes the warmth, he likes how Poe and Rey do wonders on the archaic mechanic stuff they're forced to work with, he likes that the General asks for his opinion, even though he doesn't have anything to say. He likes having a name, he likes 'Finn' and 'buddy' and whatever pet names Poe calls him, he likes having a choice, even when it's hard and confusing and overwhelming, he likes having something to fight for.

So he's not taking any chances. He's going to his quarters, and he's going to treat the wound, and he'll be fine, without bothering anyone. It's a good plan. No, scratch that, it's a very good plan, and he's going to get right down to it as soon as he gets his own body to fucking obey his commands. Finn tries to force it, he tries to focus, he blinks, and he blinks again, but the room grows darker every time he does it. He blinks once more, for the tenth time, but then forgets to reopen his eyes.

xxx

He wakes up with a hand on his own and someone snoring lightly by the bed. He tries openning one eye, then the other, and the rooms soon takes shape. He thinks about sitting up to get a better look at the room, and, as unpleasant as the thought is, he tries it. As soon as he does it, he moves one inch, and the person by his side stirs and wakes. Being a light sleeper isn't a requirement to join the Resistance, but it definitely gives you an advantage.

"Hey there, sleeping beauty." Jessika Pava says, rising to her feet. "How are you feeling?"

"Better." Finn tests his voice. It sounds hoarse, and sleepy.

Jessika smiles at him, and then gently presses her closed fist to Finn's cheek, pulling it into the pillow. It doesn't really hurt, but it's a bit uncomfortable.

"Hey. What's that for?"

"For being an idiot!" She rolls her eyes. "If you turn Poe's beautiful hair gray, I swear to god I'll end you." Finn is probably high on some meds right now because he can't understand what the problem is. Poe's hair would still be pretty if it turned gray, or blue or pink. Poe's hair is the best. "... Hiding injuries is never a good idea, look, you can't..." Jess is still talking, so Finn tries to brush how nice Poe's hair is into that place in his mind where he keeps all the _how nice Poe's face and hands and voice and everything is_ thoughts, to focus on her. "...Besides, you really worried him." Ouch. "You really worried all of us." Double ouch.

"I'm sorry." Finn mumbles. "What can I do to make it up to you?"

"Well, let's see." Jessika's face turns thoughtful. "You can start by introducing me to Rey when she comes back. Then, you can actually convince Dameron the galaxy won't fall apart if he takes a couple days off to rest. The guy needs it."

Finn actually smiles. He could do that.

"Then you can do all my reports and chores in the base for three months." She finishes and Finn's face falls. "I was _really_ worried about you. If Karé hadn't found you bleeding out of your own room, you..."

"Fine." Finn interrupts her, before he starts feeling even worse. "You're evil."

Jessika shrugs and hums an affirmative, but the thing is: she's really not. She's really amazing and she _cares._ He's not in the First Order anymore, he's with the Resistance and he's surrounded by people who like him and even care for him.

"Oh, hey, buddy." Speaking of nice, amazing people Finn doesn't deserve, Poe walks in the door, breathless, smelling like oil, but still gorgeous as hell. "Sorry I couldn't come visit you early, the General had me doing some errands around the base, we're preparing for the new recruits to arrive, and.."

"Easy, Poe, he's fine." Jess puts a hand on the pilot's shoulder. "Also, he's really high on painkillers, so now must be a good time to ask him..."

"Testor!" Poe cuts her off, outraged. She laughs and Finn mimics her because laughing is nice, he likes to laugh.

"I'll leave you two alone." Jessika's still laughing when she leaves.

Poe sighs, and sits on the chair next to Finn's bed. He takes Finn's hand on his, but doesn't really say anything.

"Hey." Finn says, because Poe's usually so open, and talkative, and he can't help, but think that maybe something's wrong with his friend.

"Hey." Poe says, back at him, and he looks sad. "I'm sorry, Finn, god, I'm so sorry." But the sadness soon turns to guilt and that is actually worse. "I should have noticed something when we got back, I should have..."

"I should have told you I was injured, I didn't. How was this your fault?"

"I don't know." Poe stops for a second. "Was it something I did? Did I do anything to make you think you couldn't trust me, because if I did, Finn..."

That hurts more than getting shot in the stomach. "Kriffing hell, Poe, don't... You did nothing wrong... It was just a stupid decision, I was stupid and I promise to never be stupid again."

Poe's lips break into a tiny smile, and it's enough encouragement for Finn to keep going.

"I swear to god I'll tell you everything from now on, every little thing, no matter how small it seems, you'll be the first to know, like... I think Jessika has a crush on Rey, which is great because I think she and Rey would hit it off really good, which kind of reminds me that I miss Rey, I just... I worry about her, even though she's amazing and can kick every ass in the galaxy. I know it's stupid and I just promised to never do anything stupid again, but I still worried andIdontevenknowif..."

"Finn." Poe stops him with a hand to his shoulder. "Why don't you start with only promising to tell me if you feel sick or hurt, huh?"

"Sure." Finn sighs in relief, because that's a promise he can keep. Telling Poe _everything_ would have been embarrassing when he thinks about how nice Poe's hair is at least three times a day. "I'm fine now, though, so you don't have to worry."

"Good." Poe says and starts caressing the curve of Finn's neck and all the way up to his cheeks. And Finn remembers.

"Well, actually. Jess punched me just now and I'm a bit sore."

"Where?" Poe asks, fingers running through every inch of skin on his face.

"My right cheek, she..." Finn never gets to finish his sentence, because Poe's lips are suddenly on his cheek, and he chokes on air.

"What..."

"A little kiss to make it better.' Poe says, back to his feet. "It's just something people do in my planet, it's not a big deal."

"It's not a big deal." Finn nods, and repeats it, loud enough for his racing heart to understand.

"Get some rest, Finn, sleep." Poe says, his finger back to caressing Finn's face, and they're poor substitutes for his lips, but it's still nice. Finn has no trouble falling back asleep.

xxx

Finn gets a few more visitors; Jess comes back a few times to remind him of his future chores, but she also smuggles him real food because the food from the medbay is actually the worst. And so does Snap, Karé and Iolo. They all keep him company for as long as they can. BB8 comes too and angrily beeps at him. General Organa comes once and she brings C3PO along, which annoys Finn into promising to never be this stupid again a lot quicker than he planned to. Lots of people came, but no one tried to kiss him better other than Poe, which makes him confused, but also kind of relieved. Finn doesn't need to be kissed by other people to know Poe's kisses are the best. He just does. And he gets to confirm it almost a month later, when he's back at the job, helping Poe work on his x wing, and ends hitting his head against the engine.

Poe jumps out of the cockpit the moment he hears Finn groan, and is on his friend's side in a few seconds, hands on his face, searching to evaluate the damage. His entire face softens when he doesn't find anything worrying. "You okay there, buddy?"

Finn lets out a pathetic whine because he can't find the words to answer him and it's probably because Poe's right there, touching him, or because he just hit his head and is concussed out of his mind, maybe it's both.

Poe smiles at him, and Finn sees the next few seconds in slow motion; the pilot gets on his tiptoes, pulls Finn's face down and presses his lips against the other's forehead. Every second lasts forever and Finn could have stopped him, he could have moved away, but he doesn't. He stays, and waits, and feels awfully disappointed when forever ends. But, on the bright side, Poe's still smiling at him.

"Wow, that was incredible! I feel better already!" Finn confesses, and feels grateful that he doesn't confess anything else.

xxx

Jessika makes fun of him the next time Poe does it, but, by the sixth time it happens, she just gets exasperated. She waits until Poe leaves for a mission so she can ambush Finn alone. "You know you could just tell him you like him, instead of faking injuries to get him to kiss you, right?" She facepalms, shaking her head from one side to another.

"I am not faking it!" Finn's voice gets weirdly high when he turns to confront her. "Poe made me promise I'd tell him whenever I got hurt or sick, so, you know, I have to. It's not my fault, it's... It's his fault, he's the one who keeps kissing me! He keeps kissing me and saying that it means nothing. He's the bad guy here!" Finn freezes when he realizes what he's just said to Poe's best friend. "I'm sorry, I don't mean that, Poe's a nice person, he's the nicest person in the whole galaxy, and..."

"Finn, stop." Jessika touches his arm, and leads him to a chair. "I need you to take a deep breath, and listen to me." She sighs and waits for him to sit down. "Goddammit, I promised Poe I wouldn't say anything, but if I leave it to you dummies, it's going to take forever."

"What?" Finn doesn't understand.

"Look, why do you think Poe's been kissing you?"

"Because it's a thing people do in Yavin IV." The answer's quick, he's been replaying it in his head ever since Poe started doing it.

"Do you see Poe kissing anyone else on the base? People get injured here all the time! I'm off duty because my arm's broken and you didn't see Poe trying to kiss it. Think." Jessika's speaking slowly to him. "Why do you think Poe only kisses you? Come one, Finn, I know you're smarter than this."

Finn whines, annoyed at where this conversation's going. He doesn't know, he honestly has no idea, all that he knows is that it's not a big deal. He shouldn't make a big deal out of it, just because he has _feelings._ He'd rather remain in the dark if it means that Poe's lips will always find their way to him. He doesn't want to be smart, or wise, he wants Poe to keep kissing him. It's not too much to ask, is it?

His silence doesn't discourage her. "Look, kissing it better might be a thing people do it on Yavin IV, but it's not mandatory, people do it because they want to, they do it..."

"Wait a minute!" Finn shakes his head, an alarm firing up inside his head. "You need to slow down because it sounds like you're implying that Poe's kissing me because he _wants to,_ and that's.. That can't be... Is it true?" He doesn't even try to calm down because Jessika's Poe best friend and, if anybody knows this, it's her. "Jess, does he like me back?"

Jessika only stares at him, for a moment, and snorts when he whines and begs for an answer. "Finn, of course he likes you back! He's been pining for you since... You are both so... Oh my god... Finn, are you... Are you okay?" She stops laughing when she realizes his hands are trembling.

"I'm... I don't know?" Finn replies, and the shaking gets worse. "I just, I never thought I would be so lucky? Or so happy?"

"Well, I'm not kissing it better, you'll just have to wait for Poe to get his ass back on base." Jessika takes his hands on hers, and smiles. "Do you get it? I don't want to kiss you because I don't have romantic feelings for you. If I did, I'd keep finding all these obvious excuses to do so without confessing my undying love..."

"I get it, Jess!" Finn laughs out loud, throwing his head back, finally letting himself be overwhelmed by how wonderful these news are. "When does he come back? I need to talk to him, I need to..."

"I'll let you know as soon as he lands, don't worry." Jessika promises him.

xxx

Finn watches Poe's black x wing land, almost bouncing up and down with so much excitement. It's been three days since he talked to Jess, and every second he has to wait to tell Poe and kiss him without having come up with another excuse is absolute torture. He's running towards Poe before he can't stop himself, but stops on his tracks when he sees the devastated look on the pilot's face.

He stops, and looks around the place; not all the ships that left a few weeks ago returned. He watches Poe slowly talk to his pilot friends, he watches Poe talk to the General and explain how his fellow pilots gave their lives in the line of duty, and he watches Poe as they go back to their quarters and he says he doesn't want to talk.

So Finn doesn't talk. It's okay. He just hugs Poe dearly, clings to him until he falls asleep, and hopes his actions will show what he can't put into words.

xxx

The next day, Finn wakes up to breakfast in bed and feels _horrible._ Not only did Poe woke up before him, but he went out of his way to get him food when Finn was the one supposed to take care of him.

"Hey, I'm okay, you don't have to worry about me. Are you okay?" He gets up fast, hurrying to get to Poe's side. If he's ready to talk, then Finn's got to be ready to listen.

"Yeah, I mean. You just never get used to it, you know? Losing people, friends, it's... I know it's for a good cause, but it's just... It's sad. It will never stop being sad, but..."

"Can I kiss it better?" Finn gently interrupts him because he can't take anymore of it. He has to stop Poe now, before he goes from being sad to feeling guilty, because that's just what he does; he takes the blame and carries the galaxy's weight on his shoulders so others won't have to.

Poe closes his eyes, and a sigh escapes his lips. "Yes." It's shaky, it's broken, and quiet, but it's the best thing Finn has ever heard. He slowly steps into Poe's personal space, raising his hands to the pilot's neck. He takes a second to just bask in how unbelievably lucky he got, he takes another second to memorize how beautiful Poe looks when he's about to be kissed, but stops when his eyes reach Poe's parted lips, and decides he can't wait one second longer.

Their lips meet shyly at first, reluctant, but curious, and, as they discover more of each other, they grow more confident, bold, they grow _desperate._ Finn kisses and touches him everywhere, desperate with the realization that the kiss will have to end sometime, despite his best efforts to kiss him from all eternity. He kisses him hard and eager and then Poe's mumbling something very similar to 'bed' between kisses. Finn's too busy to reply with a verbal _fuck yes,_ but he hopes the way his body just melts into Poe's translates how on board he is with the idea to move it to the bed. They're almost there, stumbling around the room blindy, - because they just can't stop kissing, - when they trip on their own feet and end up on the floor.

They look at each other's eyes for a beat, a mess of limbs on the floor, silently assessing if the fall has hurt one another, but then start laughing. They start laughing because it's _funny._

"I love you." Poe tells him, when the laughter dies out. "I need you to know that. I'm not just kissing you because kissing it better is a thing that people do back in my planet, I'm kissing you because I want to kiss you, kiffrin hell, Finn, I've wanted to kiss you since..."

"I didn't know." Finn calms him, with tiny kisses to his neck. He has the feeling that now that he's started it, he's never going to be able to stop kissing Poe. "I honestly had no idea, but I do now and, man, do I feel like an idiot."

"Me too." Poe says, smiling, and it's really unfair because he looks even more beautiful after being kissed, hair tousled, lips swollen, red, and inviting.

"I love you too." Finn says, and kisses him again. And again. And forever.


End file.
